Movie Reviews

The Transporter started off quite decently: we're introduced to Frank Martin (played by a cool English martial-arts guy named Jason Statham). Frank is a freelance "transporter", which means he'll transport anything, wherever you need it to go, no matter what the package is. This means he's also something of a freelance get-away driver, and the promising opening sequence follows him along on one of his jobs, which almost goes bad when the people who have hired him fail to precisely obey the terms of his contract.

See, now that's an interesting set-up -- and I'm sure an interesting movie could be made involving a freelance get-away driver. But unfortunately, this basic premise is where the film's good ideas end. What happens next involves another transport job, but this time, the package is a duffle-bag with a live (and thoroughly annoying) Asian woman inside it. Frank, however, has these little "rules" of his, that he always follows while on a job. But on this job, he ends up breaking Rule Number 3, "Never Look in the Package" (I know it's rule number three because his stupid rules are repeated over and over again as if they're actually important or something). So anyway, now that he knows what that particular 'package' is, he gets into some hot water with the poeple who hired him to transport it, and the rest of the film turns into a pretty lame action-fest involving some stupid plot about some kind of gang smuggling immigrant slaves into the country (it was really unfortunate how the film degenerated from "interesting freelance transporter" to "rescuing smuggled immigrant slaves").

Okay, now, what I want to talk about next might sound like some kind overly-educated, university-student, lame social-criticism. Let me say, however, that this is the first time that something like this has ever really bothered me in a movie. The problem? This is one hell of a sexist movie. First of all, there's only one woman in the entire movie (the annoying Asian girl). Second, she's an annoying Asian girl. Third, she is the most stereotypically weak and "I'm-only-in-this-movie-to-look-good-and-be-rescued-by-the-hero" character I've ever seen. Seriously, she does nothing in this movie that involves any kind of strength, and halfway through she offers herself up sexually to Frank for saving her in an earlier action sequence. Sheesh, haven't we progressed passed this kind of thing in the last thirty or fourty years?

Okay, the rant's over. On the plus side (as small a side as it is), a couple of the action sequences were mildly entertaining. But then again, one of the film's main action sequences was completely and utterly stupid: Frank takes on a gang of bad-guys in a warehouse in which the floor has been covered in slippery oil. He notices that everyone (himself included) has started to fall over after every step, so what does he do? He knocks the pedals off a mountain bike, slips his feet into the pedals, and is able to kick the crap out of everyone with his newly-acquired magical grip. Laaaaaame...

Oh, and one more thing: The Transporter might possibly have the worst soundtrack I've ever heard in a movie. Ever.

It's a bad movie. Don't bother with it.